.. First trimester of pregnancy… feeling like shit… as expected… feeling a bit more evil than usual.. not quite expected… I don’t usually do evil.. But I am down right stabby.
What is unexpected is.. is watching myself getting ready to repeat a painful life pattern and trying to figure out how to make a different decision.
What’s the pattern: creating, finding, enjoying, building community….not just folks I know and publicly tolerate… but finding folks who fit all sorts of little parts of me.. supportive community that brings all sort of parts of me into expression and completion.. and then abandoning it.. for some reason or another.. sometimes.. the reason is graduation from College, or having to leave the country because I am impatient… other times the reason is petty as fuck. I have and can still be petty.
Here I sit now surrounded by black mothers. Yes it is a special heaven for me. And not just one type of Black Mother.. a variety of black women representing the richness that is the DMV 🙂 It’s a fucking party– every Wednesday. However we live in an expensive area where it can be challenging to find something nice. Do I stay here and find a way to find a needle in a haystack, or high tail it to an area further away, but more .. affordable.
This choice reminds me of all the bullshit things we tell our kids like, you’ll keep in touch with Jorge after he moves. He can come over and play or you can visit; earstwhile knowing that shit may or may not happen. Life situations change once we move. Keeping relationships is hard enough without adding kids, husbands, life and distance to the equation.
We won’t get into the schools or community portion of this situation.
I just feel like this shit is a theme in my life: I meet awesome as fuck folk and then bolt.
For once, I’d like to make a different decision. I am just not quite sure how 🙁
As I continue my journey to being fully engaged in my body in the present moment I feel so much fear. Fear is deep within me. It quietly saps my will and makes everything so much harder than it needs to be.
Fear pools up in my lower back causing pain and a bit of low-key mayhem. Fear tells me I am getting sick. Fear inspires miscommunications with dear loved ones. Fear prevents compassion for myself and others as we all go through whatever we are going through.
I feel so much fear that I just want to stop, curl myself into a ball and just sleep all day long. I don’t want to do shit. I don’t want to play with my son. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to socialize or do anything where I can be seen or have to say shit to anyone. I want to hide in the safe space of my imagination. In my imagination there is never anything to fear. I can always imagine again, if I don’t like where my mind is wandering.
This fear, my fear, is old. The time when it kept me safe has came and went many moons ago. I don’t need it anymore. But I keep hanging on to it and it keeps hanging on to me. It even pops up when I haven’t been with it in a while; like it’s an old friend coming to visit.
I want to say that I am doing something to deal with the fear; like there is some magical yoga practice combined with some herb that is eradicating my fear. There isn’t such a thing; not that I’ve found :). Or maybe there is and I am too comfy with my fear.
I know that I get like this. The best I can do is put one foot in front of the other. I’ve shifted my practice to strengthen and ease my aching back. I have been on top of drinking my daily teas. I am trying not to be completely antisocial. I also remind myself that I am no longer in the past, but in the present moment. Sometimes that helps, sometimes not so much. For now, that’s all I got.
I remember the saying feel the fear and do whatever you are going to do anyway. It sounds cute, but not quite as easy as it sounds.
Things get better though. They always do.
Take Precious Care,
Huh? Happy New Year and all that jazz 🙂 We made it to 2016, let’s hope this year is far kinder to us all. Or rather let’s be kinder to ourselves and each other.
Speaking of kindness, if you’ve been hanging out around here, you know I’ve been having a rough time 🙂 Since I’ve stopped taking 10 million tinctures in the morning, I’ve been tinkering with tea. I say tinkering because it’s contents continually evolve. Stinging Nettles and Lemon Balm seems to serve as a base. Other plant friends seem to keep popping up, but Nettles and Lemon Balm are crucial to the mixture and play the biggest part.
So here’s the current line up & ratios:
2 Parts Nettles
2 Parts Lemon Balm
1 1/2 Parts Rhodiola
1 Part Oat Straw
1 Part Elderflower
1/2 Part Marshmallow Root
Parts can be tea spoons, table spoons, oz, or whatever have you.
Each Plant Friend comes in with a purpose. Oat straw said I needed to add it to the tea, so I can be soothed by it’s presence. So, now Oat Straw is involved. Rhodiola kinda came out of no where to become part of this tea. It seems to be here to help my adrenals and support fertility. I feel Rhodiola has lots of wisdom to share. She likes to whisper secrets in your ear when you aren’t expecting it 🙂 She feels like Mother’s helper, or something. And most recently Marshmallow Root has made an appearance because it says my intestines aren’t happy about my gluten consumption. Even though I enjoy my ElderFlower tincture, she has requested to be included as well. Something about immune system regulation, being a Divine Orchestrator and helping me not over react to everything. The Plants Speak and I obey. Things seem to work best this way.
Any who, this is what I am drinking these days…
Since uncovering the hornet’s nest that are my emotions, I’ve decided to do things a bit differently. Here are a few practices I’ve been playing with.
- Tapping. Before leaving bed, I tap my heart and then move on to different parts of my body. My intention is to bring myself into my body by waking it up with gentle sensations. I find that tapping different parts of my body gives me access to any emotional energy stored in that specific part.
- Grounding myself and my 7 chakras…I roll out of the bed and do a meditation that grounds my feet, hands and seven chakras.
- Setting Auric boundaries… After my chakras are grounded, I feel/envision my auric field, ground it and see it protected with plants.
- Grounding yoga practice.. Finally I find my way to my mat to practice a sequence of grounding and invigorating standing postures.
- Vigorous Yoga Practice… I enjoy a nice 45 minute vinyasa flow practice.
- Tapping before sleep.. I get into bed and tap myself until I pass out. My intention is to remember that I am coming back to my body tomorrow morning. Pre-sleep is also a great time to work out anything else that needs that didn’t get attention during the day.
What I’ve noticed…Being in my body allows me space to better negotiate my emotions when they show up or intensify. Even if I am in the middle of something with my son, I can at least notice what is going on inside of me, make a note of it and then come back to it when he naps, the babysitter arrives or the day ends.
Since I am now more connected with my body, I am noticing how much I have learned from over the years. It’s like these little pieces of wisdom and experience are suddenly accessible to me. Many different things are beginning to make sense.
Being out of integrity with myself and inside my body sucks ass. My body usually gives me very good advice and I rarely follow it. I’d rather do what others tell me ; )Thus, I have developed a have a habit of flying out my body when I am at odds with the advice that comes from within me. It’s like I try to numb the pain of making decisions that are against my own values.
As things continue to evolve, I’ll keep you posted. If you also find yourself working through your emotions, Karla McLaren’s blog is an awesome resource. Hearing your emotions can help things flow.
Take Precious care
Every morning, I wake up, grab a cup of steaming hot water, load myself up with tinctures and head to the shower. Except Saturday, I forgot to….
Nothing crazy happened. I taught my yoga class. I made dinner for the week. I talked to a good friend and texted another. Saturday was a productive day.
But Saturday was the first day I really felt myself in a long time. While cleaning the collards I could feel my anxiety. I could feel my fear. I felt like I always felt; even before my father’s death.
I have an exhausting combination of fear and anxiety that constantly hums in the background. It’s always waiting for something to bust loose. Underneath the fear and anxiety is the feeling that I am a horrible, horrible, terrible, no good person. When everyone finds out, they’ll feel cheated by me. As I tore the collards along their veins, they asked me to be nicer to myself.
I sighed. I grounded. I breathed more deeply and wondered why the fuck I was on five different tinctures and whether it was all helpful; especially if I still feel like a piece of shit. Don’t I need to feel my own pain to heal it?
This pain, this old familiar pain, is different than the grief I feel over my father’s death. This shit, is the shit I’ve felt since… forever. However, it is because of my father’s death that I have space to heal it. His death has given me space to make new decisions about how I live life. I can face myself and life differently. Death can bring you life if you are determined to live.
Today, I am determined to live. I will ease up of the crazy amount of chill out tinctures I take. I will ground fully into my body. I will face my own fear and anxiety. And I will live…. at least for today 🙂 Tomorrow is always a different story.