An attempt at deeper integrity

This morning I woke up so mad. I would love to act like I didn’t know why I woke up so angry, but I can’t.  See what had happened was, someone told me something I had a clue about, but I refused to see. (Yes, Spider showed up to laugh and point at me.) As I continue to process what I was told, I want to kick my own ass for not listening to myself over the years.

Sadly there is no space for kicking my own ass these days, so here’s what I’ve learned from this joyful little experience:

1. Just because I choose to ignore my emotions, doesn’t mean they go away. They resurface covered in anger, frustration and hurt. Who wants to be ignored– especially when you are trying to help?

2. If I am focused on someone or something else, I am stuck and not really honoring my feelings. Who or whatever is usually a good clue about what my feelings are showing me. My feelings bring me closer to myself. They do not pit me against others.

3. The more I give myself space to feel and honor my emotions, the easier to support others in the same process. I notice that I am a much more patient mother when I listen to myself. The boys are usually easier on me too <3

All this anger has brought me closer to myself. By rooting into the feelings underneath my anger,  I’ve been reminded that I need to better respond to my intuitive nudges. When I feel something is off– I need to lean into why. Even if I don’t want anything to be off.

Post Eclipse August 2017 Solar Eclipse

What an eclipse! This is the first time I literally felt an eclipse. My arm hairs stood on end and I grew physically agitated. It was hard to sit still. Thankfully the eclipse peaked during the boys nap time. So, I was able to get a little meditation in. 24hours later a few things have shifted. Here’s what’s shaking on this end.

1.The past is officially behind. Thanks to honeysuckle flower essence and a few hard truths, I’ve let go of the tendency to live in the past and isolate myself in the present moment. When I say that I let it go, I mean it’s gone. I can only feel a trace of the tendency.

2. The right side of my body is now intuitively functional. I usually feel and hear with my left. My right ear was buzzing this morning. However it seems that my right side perceives different things than my left.

3. My feet have become intuitively perceptive. I can sense or see what’s in the Earth below me. This morning, my feet could actually feel what was in the Earth below me. This is an exciting development. There are tons of burrowing animals in the yard. I can wait to practice sensing their burrows with my feet 🙂

4. The proverbial “veil” is thinner. It feels easier to access other realms on this planet. It also feels like there is more crossover to help humanity transition out of crazy. I always knew we weren’t alone here, but I feel that truth more than ever.

Other post eclipse highlights include children actually sleeping, sicknesses clearing out and better communication between my hubby and I. Oh yeah and I actually feel a sense of excitement. For the first time in a long time I am excited about my life.

I pray that whatever has unfolded for you, has done so in a gentle and kind manner.

Until next time… take precious care,

J

Third Trimester Shenanigans: Sleep… What sleep?!

Even though I am in the third trimester, sleep hasn’t been too hard to come by. (Jinx!) When I do wake up, I am usually able to get back to sleep without too much trouble. However, when I do have problems getting back to sleep, I’ve found a few sure fire strategies to help me back to dream land.

Here’s what works for me:

  1. Before bed time I enjoy a nice blend of herbs that promote sleep. Passion flower, Lemon Balm, Rose, Sweet Violet and Milky Oats ease my spirit so I can sleep. Hops has also helped me sleep too 🙂
  2. When tea is not enough, I take a dropper full of lemon balm tincture. In fact, I keep Lemon Balm tincture beside my bed. Just her presence eases my spirit.
  3. If I really can’t get back to sleep, I eat. Sometimes, I wake up because I am hungry. Usually enjoying a snack high in protein and fat helps send me back to sleep. (Think peanut butter or Babybel cheese!)
  4. Regular exercise helps me sleep too. My current yoga practice isn’t a very vigorous one, but I’ve noticed when I make an effort to take a walk I sleep much better. Somehow chasing a toddler around all day isn’t exhausting enough :p
  5. If none of this works, I enjoy being with me. Sometimes, I’m not awake for any other reason than I need to just be with myself. When I am not with my son, I am with my husband. When I am not with my husband, I am with the little one inside of me or on my way to sleep. Upon occasion, the still of the night is the only time I have to actually hear myself. I find when I actually make time to hear myself, I sleep well and have much more space for everyone else.
  6. Keeping a regular meditation practice has been helpful for my sleep as well. I find the more I create space to breath and clear my mind, the easier it is to let go and sleep. For me meditation is different than hearing myself. Hearing myself is a conversation with me. Meditation is me trying to hear God. It’s a different experience.

These five strategies have helped me sleep somewhat well through out pregnancy and some of motherhood. When none of the above works, I chalk it up to being pregnant and then masturbate. That is not a typo. Wanking really helps me sleep when all else fails. I love myself to sleep upon occasion. Pregnancy is a strange time. Even with the best preparations, things often do what they want.

Until next time…Take precious Care!

J

Still in the body: What it takes to be here

The more I commit myself to fully being in my body, the more I see how badly I treat myself when I am in my body. It ranges from small things like eating gluten when I know my immune system is already struggling and my digestion is sluggish, to large things like not honoring my need for tranquility and taking on things I don’t want to do. There are a million little ways that I disregard my own wisdom, violate my own boundaries and generally fuck myself up only to blame others in anger.

It’s odd. My behavior hasn’t really changed much since my commitment to being more present and engaged in my body. I can just better see how I create my own pain. I understand why I am so dreamy. If I don’t honor my own boundaries and have faith in my internal guidance why even try to engage life? I’m not really living. Fuck it, let’s read manga and watch bullshit all day. I am not really expressing myself anyway; I am only doing/being what others want with the hopes of being loved. Am I really being loved (or being loving) if I am not being myself?

The good thing about this depressing ass turd sandwich is that I can now see how I sabotage myself and my relationship with my body (or myself).  Since I know how I am hurting myself, I can make different decisions and give myself grace when I don’t. Knowing is half the battle 🙂

I so want to leave this in a little “everything will be alright” bow 🙂 It will be alright. Over the past week or so I’ve started working with Wild Rose Flower Essence from Green Hope Farm. I feel more of myself in my body. I feel stronger, more present and much more compassionate. Slowly and surely I will unravel and love my hurt. I’ll get there. We all do.

Until next time.. Take Precious Care!

J

 

 

 

 

 

Still in the body: The French Edition

For the past couple of weeks, I have been enjoying grounding myself in the morning. I wake up, call all of me into my body. Ask whatever ain’t mine to leave and then proceed to ground my chakras, and protect my auric field.

This has been awesome! I feel much more connected and integrated with my body, the land around me and the house I live in 🙂 I can hear more, which is helpful although sometimes overwhelming. Being clairaudient is another post all together.

Any who, my ground practice changed when we went to Paris to visit family. In France, I didn’t need to ground. All I did was check all was connected and aligned. That’s all that was needed. I was chilling and at peace in my body! The same was true when we visited Montpellier in the South. In France I was at ease in my body and connected to the Earth in a natural way that didn’t require constant upkeep.

Now that I am back in the US, I find it easier to ground myself than when I left. But, I have to keep a closer watch. I am much more prone to popping out of myself here. I am much more fearful and anxious here. To be honest, I felt so much fear about returning to the US, I didn’t want to come back.

My fear and anxiety have a few sources. I am black. That’s enough to be anxious about things these day. However, the root of my anxiety is in the trauma I’ve experienced here while growing up. I am still actively working through it while still figuring out how to cope with triggers. Even though there were quite a few triggers in France, I could actually see why I was triggered, address it and return to calm quickly there. Here in the US, I fear that I won’t be as swiftly effective. Not to mention, France feels like a free zone. I am far away from what terrorizes me in the US. An ocean of distance is quite different than a trip down the road.

There seems to be a few keys to being in the US safely and calmly in my body. First, I feel like it’s important to honor my anxiety and fear. They are justified 🙂 Second, I need to change how I interact with myself and others. I need to live and be in a way that allows me to be safe. Third I need to cultivate a deeper relationship with my body and emotions. Both my body and emotions let me know when I am in danger. Rather than seeking to silence my fear and anxiety I can learn to embrace and hear them. I can honor their purpose and move from there.

We’ll see what unfolds from here 🙂 Take Precious Care of you!

Infinite Blessings

J

Still in the body: Hearing & Honoring the Body’s wisdom..

I am working my way through the book: Healing Trauma, by Peter A. Levine. Reading this book is a helpful kick in the head. Much of it is repackaged stuff I learned from the Earth while in Portland, Oregon and Montpellier, France. If anything, this book is teaching me to better honor the wisdom I receive from the Earth. I forget things when I move 🙁

Levine offers an exercise where you track sensation in the body. He suggests grounding, and fully entering your body. Then focusing on an object of safety, like a picture, or a stone, or a friend. Next he suggests alternating your focus between your object of safety and sensation in your body.

I found this practice helpful because it brought me into my body to actually listen; not just to be there. (I need purpose for doing things, otherwise I don’t do them.)  It’s been so long since I actually cultivated a relationship with my body outside of keeping it clean, fed, and sexed. It was nice to feel tension in certain parts and then receive wisdom as how to best relieve the tension. My body told me why certain parts hurt they way they do and how to better balance my own energy. I have a better understanding of what’s going on with my body and why. I love understanding 🙂

However, I would not have been able to do this practice without having spent a few weeks fully grounding my chakras and my self every morning. Grounding brought me into contact with my body and the Earth. It’s hard to know what is going on in a house until you enter it and spend some time there. I am finding the same is true with my body.

This has been very productive. I look forward to building a better relationship with my body. I know it’s wisdom will support me in living more peacefully.