An attempt at deeper integrity

This morning I woke up so mad. I would love to act like I didn’t know why I woke up so angry, but I can’t.  See what had happened was, someone told me something I had a clue about, but I refused to see. (Yes, Spider showed up to laugh and point at me.) As I continue to process what I was told, I want to kick my own ass for not listening to myself over the years.

Sadly there is no space for kicking my own ass these days, so here’s what I’ve learned from this joyful little experience:

1. Just because I choose to ignore my emotions, doesn’t mean they go away. They resurface covered in anger, frustration and hurt. Who wants to be ignored– especially when you are trying to help?

2. If I am focused on someone or something else, I am stuck and not really honoring my feelings. Who or whatever is usually a good clue about what my feelings are showing me. My feelings bring me closer to myself. They do not pit me against others.

3. The more I give myself space to feel and honor my emotions, the easier to support others in the same process. I notice that I am a much more patient mother when I listen to myself. The boys are usually easier on me too <3

All this anger has brought me closer to myself. By rooting into the feelings underneath my anger,  I’ve been reminded that I need to better respond to my intuitive nudges. When I feel something is off– I need to lean into why. Even if I don’t want anything to be off.

Reconnection

It’s been a minute…So much has happened between now and the last time I posted. I want to blame it all on pregnancy, but recreating rhythm with a toddler in tow isn’t the easiest thing in the world.  Anywho, here is what I’ve been learning the past couple of months.

Love surrounds you, if you choose to see it. 

I mean, I’m not going to act like I float around Bowie in a pink cloud. Flowers don’t bloom when I walk by. However, since moving here I’ve been feeling more loved by everything and everyone around me. Since I am actually open to being loved here in the present moment, I can see how love has always been with me. I just couldn’t see it at the time.

The present moment is all there is.

It could be pregnancy, but I am slowly becoming able to better distinguish whether the emotions I feel in the present moment come from the past or are actually rooted in the present. This information has kept me from creating drama as a means of acknowledging and working through old pain.

Children are as wise, loving and supportive as we allow them to be.

It’s easy to say this because lil Boo is no longer vomiting everywhere. However even when sick, this kid is loving, supportive and has an easy way of encouraging me and his father. It’s amazing. He’s so gentle with us in our moments of fragility. I thought that it was my job to hold this kid down, and that’s what he does for me 🙂 Motherhood is always so surprising!

Don’t fight nature when you can learn from it.  

The only nature we currently have living with us are crickets in the garage and the occasional spider or beetle. Despite all my fears, nothing has chewed it’s way in. Regularly burning oils and the local cat population have caused whatever was burrowing around and underneath the house to no longer be there. I don’t smell them anymore. In their short time, they’ve taught me to embrace things as they are. There is good and bad in everything. When I become absorbed in the bad or fight reality, I can’t see or receive what’s good. I choose not to see that I am never given more than I can  handle or manage. Life and nature has a rhythm and balance to it. The more I fear and fight; the more I throw things off balance.

 

Pregnancy is giving me more to process, but I haven’t really gotten to a space where I can write about it. I am so amazed how this second pregnancy is different than the first. Physically, spiritually and emotionally things are just different. We’ll see what unfolds from here.

Until next time,

Take Precious Care

J

 

 

Mommying Mommy: Hooray for my Mother in Law

This week, my Mother in Law is visiting. She is amazing and Lil Boo adores her so much. Today, his first word upon waking from his nap was “Mamie” (Grandmother in French). Her joyful response was J’arrive (I’m coming). They are out strolling in the sunshine right now 🙂 She insisted that I stay at home and repose (rest)!

When she is around everyone is in a better mood. Somehow my husband seems less stressed about  work, Huey naps longer and well…. I have less to do 🙂 I can actually see how family can work together in bringing each other joy and comfort. It’s a lovely, but strange feeling for me since my family isn’t really like that. We don’t cut each other, but we don’t necessarily take care of each other either. We aren’t all that close.

I find the idea of not working to earn her love or acceptance a bit baffling. I feel like I must be doing something for her, since it is simply awesome to not have to chase a toddler right now. All this space to feel like shit is amazing! I find the idea that she loves to be with her grandson comforting but strange. Not to say that my grandparents treated horribly, but yeah… Old Black Folk are usually tired and don’t have energy for ummmmm… the exuberant youth.

So, as I watch her whisk Lil Boo off to the park, I sit at home reminding myself that I am worthy of being loved whether I am slaving or now. I remind myself of how thankful I am that Lil Boo is loved by his Grandmother. I try to relax, enjoy being pregnant and find gratitude for all the loving care that I have received from her hands and heart.

Whenever she is around, my heart stretches and I learn more about just allowing myself to be loved. It’s disarming and uncomfortable. However, I know that it makes me a better person.

We’ll see what else unfolds from here.

Until next time.. take precious care!

J

 

 

Mommying Mommy: A visit from the Mother in law

It was so nice having my Mother in Law visit. It was a bit challenging, though. She took such delight in being with Lil Boo. She took him out on walks. She played with him for hours. She even baked cookies with the kid 🙂 It was beautiful to watch because I could see that someone loved him as much as I do. Most importantly, he loved the way she loved him. Lil Boo would call her name when he woke up from naps and before he went to bed. It was beautiful to watch those two. She also helped me a great deal. Often she would ask for take out, so I didn’t have to cook. She’d clean up after meals. She’d even insist that I go relax while she was here. So… I did relax.. until I didn’t.

In the midst of all my relaxing, I began to feel a wee guilty. I mean, the woman came all the way from France and I’m not entertaining her. I should be entertaining her. Early pregnancy nausea and fatigue be damned, I should be the host that my husband cannot be since he is at work! So I tried that for a minute and then grew surly about it…. because… well.. hormones! Besides, Lil Boo loves her like no one else and she cares for him like no one else. I deserve rest. Next time I’ll park my guilt.

Although I am used to feeling guilty, feeling jealous was a bit of a surprise. Suddenly, I wanted Lil Boo to call me  upon and to clean up after meals myself. I wanted to do everything myself again. I felt like my place had been taken. I had been replaced. It’s an odd thing to admit.

By the time all these emotions had peaked, she was leaving the next day 🙂 I could have my place back: cooking, cleaning and playing with Lil Boo all day long. That’s how I like things, anyway!

Until next time!

Take Precious Care!

 

Mommying Mommy: I actually have everything I want

Somehow, compassion in the morning has become a practice. When I wake up fearing that I will lose the baby, or that something bad will happen, I stop listen to my fear and have compassion for it. Often the fear isn’t about being pregnant. It’s about something I feel that I’ve missed over the years.

It feels good to be sad about the past rather than wrestling with what I really think happened. When I wrestle with what happened, I get into intentions, my perception of events and a whole other mess of details that keep me from addressing how I really feel. I can intellectually understand why and how and what was done, but it doesn’t help me feel any less angry about it. When I actually hear my fear and embrace whatever comes with it I feel better. I honestly feel less angry and more like myself.

Feeling more like who I really am brought me to a conclusion. I really have and enjoy all the loving support I’ve wanted. It’s like I woke up surrounded by really interesting people who are supportive, kind and share my interests. Not to mention I still get to enjoy relationships that span more than half my lifetime. The man I love really does love me too. He wants me to be happy just like I want him to be happy. Not to mention there is this amazing little boy I get to watch grow into a man and another little one on the way. This is the life I wanted. I wanted to feel like I belong with and to beautiful loving people. I wanted to love them and be loved by them. I wanted to nurture life and watch it grow. I get to do all the things that I have most wanted. Why stay in a past that felt loveless when there is so much love right here?

Oddly enough, I still have feelings about the past. However those feelings don’t seem to overshadow the present as much anymore. The here and now seems so much more… juicy because I can feel the difference between what is and what was.

Well.. we’ll see what comes up next..until next time..

Take Precious Care,

J

 

Mommying Mommy: Emotional Management

Quite often managing my own emotions in front of Little Boo kicks my ass. In the moment, it’s so much easier to be absorbed in what I am trying to teach Little Boo through words, rather than what I teach him through action. Sadly, I am not always the woman I’d like to be in front of him and don’t always remember to give him a “mommy was showing her ass for this reason today” lecture. The kid deserves an explanation and can handle it.

Slowly, I am learning to give myself compassion and love as I give compassion and love to Little Boo. It feels foolish to expect myself to be perfect and have it all together all the time. I learn the most and the best when things get messy and I have to sort it out. That doesn’t mean I need to create large messes, but I can give myself a little loving compassion when I do. That’s what I would do for him.

It often feels like our emotions mirror one another. When he gets agitated, I get agitated as well, but never for the same reason. There is often a small part of me that wants be difficult, by feeling and expressing it’s own frustration at the same time; as if Little me is fighting for my attention, affection and loving forgiveness. When I have energy I can see and attend to both. I can love him and myself at the same time. In those moments, peace comes quickly.

The challenge is remaining spacious enough to love myself as I would love Little Boo. It’s been quite hard to do so lately. Between nursery school applications, sickness, honey-do’s, and a whole host of shit that ain’t mine but require my energy, my internal space has evaporated. It’s been tough to be compassionate with him or me. Despite all this crap, I keep growing—just like little Boo.

Rather than being the parent who knows everything it often feels like my son is teaching me. Everyday he gently shows me how to love and have compassion for the parts of me that are little. I tell ya, Little Boo is amazing.

Take Precious Care!

J

Mommying Mommy: Feeling what I am feeling

Because I am no longer able to day drink, I’ve been working on creative ways to be present with challenging emotions that arise while I am with little one….

Things we’ve been doing that seem to work:

  1. Omming
  2. Deep breathing (focus on exhalation)
  3. Singing

Things that don’t seem to work:

  1. Thinking about my emotions*
  2. Snapping at lil Boo

*I want to note that thinking about my feelings is quite different than actually acknowledging them. I notice that I have a tendency to actually judge whatever I am feeling rather than just feel it. For me all my feelings are bad and thus should not go any further than bubbling up from the depths. I’m working on that though 🙂

Slowly but surely I learning to Mother myself as I am attempting to Mother Little Boo. I will let keep you posted as things unfold.

 

Take Precious Care

J